Baseball Yeast

Today I was remembering an event that took place during my first year in college. I was taking a Spanish class and I didn’t have any friends in it. (I actually didn’t have any friends in college until much later. This was mostly my fault, seeing as I hated going to school and I apparently gave off “I’m stinky” vibes. Hmph.) The class took place during the semester that coincided with the 2003 baseball season; the one where the Marlins magically made it into the World Series against the Yankees. (I know that there is a special term used to describe how this happened. While I am a home team supporter on all sports – Go Fins, Heat, Panthers, Canes, Fish, and any other team I am forgetting! – I really don’t understand most of them. I just know that the man sculpted by the mighty hands of God needs to have the ball make it to a specified location. I cheer when everyone else cheers. Fake it ‘til you make it!) Now, although I know less about most sports than your average person, baseball is the one I know most about, so I felt comfortable enough claiming myself as a Marlins fan when the class derailed the teacher from that day’s Spanish lesson.

Girl – “Ugh! I hate it that everyone is jumping on the Marlins bandwagon! I’m soooo not a fan anymore!”

Huh? There are two things wrong here. One, which I am going to discuss at great length, is the girl. (I don’t remember her name; it was probably something like Jane or Jill or Janet.) I absolutely love to people watch. Sometimes I do it blatantly and sometimes I have to strategically place myself. In this Spanish class I mixed them up and strategically placed myself so I could blatantly watch this chick. It beat listening to the professor drone on in a language that I didn’t understand. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this girl except for the fact that she had an odd fashion sense and had the funniest mannerisms. She moved as if she were not comfortable in her own skin and was always munching on interesting snacks in class. It was if she had a scorpion living in her clothes; every five minutes she would whip her legs around or fold herself in half over her desk. She’d toss her head back and emit loud animal noises during class. She dressed very 90s (It was 2003. I’m not that old.); usually in overalls and t-shirts with flip-flops. Her hair was cut like Julia Robert’s a la “Hook”. Her make-up rivaled Rupaul’s and in no way matched her style of dress. Everything feminine in a woman, she was opposite. She also smoked Marlboro Ultra Light Menthols (aka mint paper) and drank $1.00 Rolling Rock. (I know this because one time my classmates felt bad about talking about getting a burger after class in front of me and not inviting me. They only felt bad that one time.)

The other thing wrong here was her perspective on the whole bandwagon situation. My argument with her was that jumping off of the band wagon because everyone was jumping on the bandwagon was just as bad. Am I wrong here? Maybe. And I can admit that with no problem.

This isn’t where this blog post ends although that’s pretty much where that conversation ended. (Aren’t you lucky- there is MORE to read!) The reason I was remembering this apparently momentous event in a class where I don’t remember squat was because I have never been as repulsed by a human being as I was with this girl. (If this makes you gag and throw up a little, please let me know. J)

She was sitting in class, snacking on something I couldn’t recognize. This threw me for a loop because I am usually fairly good at recognizing snacks. I am quite the snack connoisseur. When she turned around I made my move and asked the question. I wanted to squeal, “EWWW! What IS that?!” but instead used my manners and asked, “That looks interesting! What IS that?!” (I still don’t know if that was rude or not because I’m pretty sure the look of disgust was apparent on my face.) She smiled a rather wicked smile, stretching her lips wide and thin with the corners turned slightly up. I should have known that what was coming next was not good.

Girl – “It’s a healthy snack. Cottage cheese and cinnamon.”

Gross. So that’s what gave it that weird beige color. She then proceeded to dip her spoon into the container and shove a huge bite into her mouth. She immediately swallowed some. What happened next was what really threw me over the edge: she squished some against her teeth so it came out between the tiny holes. But here is the kicker…

Girl - “When I mix it and put it in my mouth it looks like a yeast infection in there! Look!”

I looked. And I was speechless. First of all, how does she know that? Second of all, who SAYS things like that to a stranger? Third of all, who SAYS things like that to a stranger?

I realize that these two conversations revolving around baseballs and yeast infections were two entirely different discussions. In my head, I always remember these events as taking place during the same class. This, actually, is the only thing I remember from that Spanish class.